Apologies in advance for the very wordy post. On my last blog I talked in depth about my battle with anxiety and panic attacks. I hadn’t had a bad attack for a long time until recently but more on that later. I thought that when I moved out of my parents and became independent my anxiety would magically disappear. It hasn’t and it annoys, frustrates and upsets me. Difference is now I am on my own and I have to leave the house to get provisions to live and to pay the rent etc I cant stay indoors hiding from the world.
The last couple of months have been hard. I have secured jobs and then lost them. It has put on a strain on my relationship with my partner and we almost split up over it. I have felt lonely and isolated and like I had made the wrong decision in moving here.
I decided enough was enough and went to my GP to get help and see if medication would help. Boy was that the wrong decision. I was put on a low dose beta blocker called Propranolol. It is commonly used for anxiety, migraines (of which I also suffer) and heart issues. I hoped it would take the edge off and help me get out and about more and get my confidence back. It did the total opposite. After I would say a few days I felt the lowest I have felt in years. I didn’t get out of bed, didn’t get dressed, didn’t wash my hair and ate crap food. All of which are common signs of feeling depressed and I am not ashamed to admit I felt extremely low. I told my partner how I was feeling but he doesn’t live where I am so its hard for him to help (as much as he wants to and tried too) when he is 80 odd miles away. I struggled. Then after about a week I went to go to sleep – which was also erratic at this point – and suddenly I felt the room was spinning. I felt sick, I was sweating, I couldn’t even get up and walk to the toilet without feeling like I was going to pass out. I started shaking and crying and knew what it was. Panic attack. And one hell of one. I was alone and terrified. Was I ill or was it the drugs? I phoned 111 who were amazing and calmed me down and told me to try and sleep I had been awake for many hours at this point it was about 4am in the morning. They asked if I wanted an ambulance but it would be a 5 hour wait as they were busy. I didn’t want them coming out to me for just this anyway and after chatting to a consultant I calmed down and managed to sleep.
The next day I sought advice and stopped taking the tablets. I kid you not within two days it felt like a fog had lifted and I felt good when I woke up. I wanted to tidy my room, which to be frank was a shit tip by then, get showered and dressed and be pro active. Its amazing how much one little tablet can affect you so much. Obviously for some people I am sure this medication works wonders but for me not so much. And I will never take it again that is for sure.
Being honest about my anxiety has always been hard for me. Even with my best friends I don’t always want to be honest about why I don’t want to meet up incase they think I am making excuses. I know deep down they don’t. My best friends are like family to me I have known them all for so long and they have been there for me through everything that life has thrown at me which to be fair is quite a lot. My family have also been supportive even though I always think I am failing them and disappointing them everytime I lose a job because of who I am and feel like I am constantly letting people down.
The only person I am failing is myself. I am letting anxiety take control and I promised myself I would not let that happen again.
I guess by writing this blog post I have got off my chest a lot of what has been going on and hope that if it helps someone seek help or open up about their mental health then I will feel like I have helped someone else. Don’t be afraid to talk about how your feeling because believe me I know from experience that talking helps so much, it makes you feel less alone and like you are the only one. You aren’t the only one.
My journey is beginning again to get rid of this anxiety demon and I hope you will join me along the way. This blog is not going to be solely focused on this topic I do still want to talk about fun stuff like music and food and beauty and life, travel etc but its such an important topic and its actually quite therapeutic for me talking about it on here.
Hope you will join me on my quest to being anxiety free. Big love and thanks to my partner, family and friends, you know who you are. All have given me love, support and laughs unconditionally over the past years and months. I would not be here without you. xxx
If you are feeling depressed, anxious or suicidal please get help. These are all UK numbers.
111 – NHS service open 24/7
116 123 – Samaritans 24/7
0300 123 3393 – Mind 9-6 Mon-Fri www.mind.org.uk
0800 58 58 58 CALM (Mens mental health charity) 5pm – midnight every day